In the Heat of Battle
by Fai7hl3ss
Summary: Only PG-13 cause of cussin and yes i cuss a lot. this is just about how much i hate Turn Based Battles, so instead i applied it to FFT and decided to make it funny to catch more ppl's attention. so R/R plz ^.^ i updated hoping that people would review m
1. Hell's Awaiting

In the Heat of Battle  
A Final Fantasy Tactics Story  
  
By: ~*CrystalyIce*~  
  
Chapter 1: Hell's Awaitin'  
Ramza and his crew were heading up the hill. Over the hill was gasp A NONRANDOMIZED BATTLE!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! The horror!!! Ahem, as I was saying, this battle called for the greatness of Ramza and his crew to defeat the evil Chocobos! As we all know, before the battle can begin, Ramza and his crew must assemble together. This is when the true horrors began…  
  
"All right!! I need five of you losers to help me fight these… um… whatever they are! So who will join me?" Ramza asked in what he thought was a 'mighty' sounding voice. Only crickets answered him as already his crew had set up a small poker table and was playing Go Fish. He let out a long sigh and glared at the crew while folding his arms over his chest.  
  
"Got any 2's?" asked Mary smirking at Brett.  
  
"God damn it!" Brett yelled and threw his cards down. Picking up his sword he lunged at Mary and grabbed her shirt. "You little b-"  
  
"EXCUSE ME!" Yelled Ramza. He noticed the evil chocobos were setting up a poker table of their own, so he decided to pick up the pace. "I need a party NOW! That means Mary, Brett, Ravel, and Delita. Now set up!"  
  
Mary rolled her eyes and sighed, "Delita's evil, remember? We're on our way to kick his ass right?"  
  
Ramza sighed and looked at his group again. "Fine! Curtis, you can come in Delita's stead!" Curtis promptly stood up and jumped for joy.  
  
"I'M AN AQUARIUS!" he squealed.  
  
"Forget it!" replied Ramza. "Sit back down!" Curtis frowned and picked up Brett's thrown cards. "Saki, you can come." She bowed her head and stood next to everyone else who was selected.  
  
"Now," stated Ramza while clearing his throat, "everyone get into fighting positions!" Everyone dropped into a karate-fighting stance while the only thing that Ramza dropped was his sword, only because of their sheer stupidity. "Not THAT fighting stance! Just line up!" They did so, and soon Ravel was whimpering in fear. Everyone just stared at him not knowing what was wrong.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you man?" asked Mary a bit crossly.  
  
"The sword above my head intimidates me. I'm afraid it's gonna drop and land on my head!" he yelped as he burst into tears.   
  
"Oh don't we wish. Please God, answer my prayers and drop the sword!" Saki muttered under her breath.  
  
"Are we ready yet?" stated Ramza who seemed very cross and ill tempered at the moment.  
  
"Yes!" everyone chimed in.  
  
"Well, except for them," replied Mary, pointing at the 3 chocobos sitting at the poker table. It seemed like they were arguing about something as one chocobo showed his/her (I really don't know which) hand.  
  
"Kweh! Kweh kweh KWEH!" shrieked one of the chocobos as it stood up and smacked away the table with its wing (they are giant ill tempered chickens children. Don't piss them off while playing poker; they will peck you to death). Soon loud shrieks and a series of "kwehs" followed. Everyone just sweat dropped and looked at the giant birds bicker.  
  
"Well damn," stated Ramza while staring at the fight. Soon the chocobos noticed the stares and got into position. Ramza muttered under his breath and everyone began walking in place, like they always do. 


	2. The Truth About Turn Based Battles

Chapter 2: The Truth About Turn-based Battles  
  
"I'M AN AQUARIUS!" shouted Curtis from afar.  
  
"SHUT UP!" Mary retorted and glared at the wanna-be healer.  
  
As Ramza's turn began, he pulled out a small list and looked over it for a while. Soon, he placed his chin in his hand and sat down where he was. Then he remembered he had to keep walking in place (as annoying as it was). He thought too himself and discussed each item on the list while everyone was getting quite bored.  
  
"Now should I move first, or should I attack? But wait, there is no one to attack, so I shall move. But what if I come in range of a chocobo? Hmmmm," he pondered to himself. He then noticed the looks that could kill being sent his way, so he quickly moved away from his group.   
  
"Now that I have moved, what should I do? Should I pass my turn and get no XP? Or should I do guts?" he asked himself. Mary yelled at him while still walking in place.  
  
"CAN I GO YET?!"   
  
"No!! It's not your turn! You have to wait!" Ramza replied, as he looked back over the list. "Ah yes, I shall throw a stone! That way I get XP and I do damage! But it will be so little… who cares?" He picked up a small stone and chucked it at the closest chocobo, only dealing seven points of damage.  
  
Mary quickly put away her book (which she began reading and is on page 200 since Ramza took so long) and took out an option list of her own. Luckily for us, she chose quicker and moved 3 spots away from Ramza. She smiled a flashy smile at him (more of an "I'm-better-than-you" smile) and gave him a peace sign as they still walked in place.  
  
Soon the chocobos made their moves and one pecked Ramza for 15 damage. Unfortunately for him, it was in the nads and actually did 25 damage… let's just say "owwwww" for our poor Rmaza here (also he was being a prick so the author can punish her little puppets D). It wasn't long before the two females burst into laughter and Brett and Ravel shuddered in fear. Ramza was kneeling on the ground still moaning in pain.  
  
"Ahhhhhhh!!! Noooooo!!! THE PAIN!!!" he screamed and counter attacked the chocobo dealing 8 damage. The chocobo backed up a space and glared at Ramza from afar.   
  
Author's Musical Interlude =)  
  
  
Hello all!! =) Since this is my story I get to walk in and let you know a bit more about it before I continue… and by the time I'm done, Ramza won't be the new Bob Dole! (Inside joke hehe) anyway.. This story is based on what really DOES happen in the game and how much Turn Based Battles… well… SUCK! As I continue briefing you in on why I wrote or am writing this, our poor lil Ramza will get his, ahem, problem fixed. As you can see the doctors are fixing him now! Without restoring his HP of course.  
  
As I was saying, Turn Based Battles (also known as TBB for now) really suck. I mean if you were fighting a battle, you wouldn't wait till a little dagger over your head said you can move in the blue regions that it says you can go. You'd just run up and beat the guy's ass! Thus proving how much TBB sucks. Hopefully this fic can point this out to you in a more humorous way, so that you can laugh and see my point. OK Ramza is cured so we can go back to the fic… ENJOY!   
  
  
Chapter 2: The Truth About TBB Part 2  
  
  
"Quick! Quick! Move him in before she finds out we're late!" yelled the head doctor as they rolled out Ramza still moaning in pain on one of those rolling bed thingies… yea.. Anyway, he was placed in the spot that he was in earlier as the author glared at the late doctors. They quickly ran out of the scene and got back to the hospital.  
  
Now it was Brett's turn to go. He walked forward and too the right, far from Mary, but closer to another chocobo. He smiled to himself and boldly pick up a… rock…? Right… He soon chucked it at the chocobo dealing it 8 points of damage. Soon a light blue aura came over him as he gained a job level. He jumped for joy, screaming like a little girl for a bit, but soon stopped when he realized the glares that were being shot at him.  
  
Soon it was Ravel's turn. Good ol' Ravel who had just… wet his pants? Wait a second. Ravel was trembling in fear shooting glances at the dagger hanging above his head, bobbing up and down, every few seconds. Streams of tears were running down his face and a small whimper could be heard from him every now and then. Mary looked at him in disgust as he shivered under the small knife.   
  
Saki did her thing and cured Ramza as soon as she got close enough and he was happy once again (or so he thinks D). Soon it was Ramza's turn again… god forbid. Luckily, I informed the doctors to take away his list so that we wouldn't have to go through that whole thing again. Ramza looked in his pocket for about five minutes and began to sweat.  
  
"Ah! Where is it?! I remember putting it in here, but but, IT'S GONE NOW!" shrieked Ramza like a girl. He began to pout and dump out everything out of his pockets (I'm not going to list all of the items because it goes from a range of a rubber ducky to a giant mallet. Also he has some.. um… personal items in there). "WHERE'S MY LIST?! NOOOOOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!!" cried Ramza falling to his knees with streams of tears flowing down his face. (btw: that was just a MDK2 inside joke, if you haven't played the game you wouldn't get it at all). Ramza held his face in his hands and cried uncontrollably like a little baby. Mary walked up to him and hit him with her sword since she was almost positive that he had gone insane. He stopped crying and glared at her under his bangs. She simply smiled back and walked back to her spot.  
  
"It wasn't your turn yet ya know!" he yelled at her from his spot. She shrugged and smiled at him evilly and raised her sword to prove that she would do it again without any regrets if necessary. He gulped and looked back at the chocobo that was standing near him. Ramza quickly walked behind it and slashed it for a good 26 HP killing it dead. He happily jumped up and down as he gained a job level.  
  
Saki teleported next to Mary and pulled out a small calculator from her pocket. Mary stared at her with a large sweat drop on the back of her head as Saki started calculating what enemies she could hit depending on their status. While calculating what attack she would do and how much damage she would do, a long white strip came out of the calculator filled with numbers and operations. Mary picked up the list and looked over the whole thing. Since she was only a summoner and Saki was a calculator, Mary had no idea what Saki was doing. Finally Saki came to a conclusion to her problem and smiled triumphantly.  
  
"That comes to a total of," Saki paused and looked over the numbers again, "ah yes, $49.95! Oh wait a second, I was calculating my bill for dinner. Heh, sorry about that." Saki smiled weakly and went back to calculating how much damage she could do to the chosen enemies. Mary fell over and landed on her face because of Saki's sudden comment. Ravel and Brett lost their mouths as they stared at Saki stupidly. A large sweat drop formed on their heads and they looked like dumbfounded anime characters without mouths or noses (let me just butt in here for a sec… have I ever mentioned how CUTE they all look without noses? God I wish I had a plush doll of one of them. ::huggles her own plush doll of Ramza and Mustadio::). Ramza sighed and pulled out his own small deck of cards so that he could begin playing Solitaire while Saki was taking her time fiddling around with the damn calculator.  
  
As Ramza was half way finished his game, a loud explsion was heard nearby, mainly coming from Saki and Mary's direction. He looked over and spoted a broken machine in her hand and her face was covered in black soot. A blank expression like this, O.o;;;; , was on her face as she stared at the broken object in her hand. The nearest chocobo looked at her stupidly. Mary was laughing to herself, and it wasn't long before she started laughing out loud. Saki glared at her evilly and tugged on the summoner's horn (just a small note, the summoners in FFIX have a horn.. maybe they borrowed the idea from this game…..? who knows) making Mary wince in pain. Mary glared at the calculator and wacked her with a cane. Soon an all out cat fight formed between the two girls as everyone's sweat drop just grew larger.  
  
  
Ramza sighed and looked up at the sky. Sometimes he wished that these things didn't take this long, but little did he know that the worst was yet to come… 


	3. Enter MUSTAAAAAADIO!!!

Chapter 3: Enter MUSTAAAADIO!  
I mean um… Another Important Autor's Interlude/Newsbreak  
  
As you all notice, I'm going to take little news flashes in between all or most of my chapters. The only reason is because I think in my fanfic I don't really explain myself enough, or my jokes for that matter. None the less, these little interludes are here to help you! So be happy and just shut up and listen. : P  
  
As you can tell, I love them playing cards when bored. This is because it is a past time that I rather enjoy. When my brother starts talking about Unreal Tournament and I REALLY don't want to listen, out come my little pocket cards! Thus saving my life from my brother's horrible lectures. This is why, if any of the characters get bored, they play cards. It's a really a simple game and a fun one, too. You all should play it more often when bored.  
  
The $49.95 joke, god how do I explain it? Every time my family and I got out to dinner, we guess the bill at the end because well, we really don't have anything better to do. Well, my dumb ass brother always guesses $49.95 for no real reason. No one knows where he got the number from, I doubt he really knows, but the point is he always uses it. As stupid as it sounds, and yes it sounds stupid, I find it quite humorous, so it graces your presence in my fanfic. Feel lucky, just because I told you to.  
  
The plush doll thing that I talked about. That won't need as much explaining as the dinner joke, but I find it funny so I'll tell you. I guess I'll begin from the, ya know, beginning. Well, when my brother first borrowed FFT, because we are always too lazy to go out and buy the games ourselves, I watched him play through the game. Every time that is would be someone's turn, I would comment about how they all don't have noses. Well, I also noticed how adorable Ramza, Delita, Mustadio, and almost all of the job classes people looked without NOSES! This topic was then soon discussed with my friend in Maine. It was then that I decided that I wanted a plush doll of Mustadio, Ramza, and a chocobo. Therefore, the dolls might play a big part in the fic or in the author's interludes. I have yet to decide.  
  
As much as I enjoy your company, I still hear Mary and Saki bickering. That is my signal to shut up and continue with the story. I guess I better send in some of the swat team to break those two up before we get into a mix up of Holy spells and a really pissed off Odin.  
  
  
Chapter 3: Enter MUSTAAAADIO!  
  
"ODIN!" shouted Mary as the sound of a horse and hoof beats could be heard. A white light filled the screen as Saki cast Holy on the summoner. Unexpectedly, a group of trained men and women ran down to the scene while totting large guns with them. They were dressed in black and had goggles and cool looking masks on so that you couldn't see their faces. On the back of their uniforms were big, bold, white letters saying "S.W.A.T." Two of the men forced Odin to turn around and another 4 broke up the fight between Saki and Mary before any real damage could be done.  
  
The leader of the SWAT team picked up a radio and calmly said, "The area is clear m'am!" After hearing a short reply to her message, she ordered the rest of the SWAT team to clear the scene as soon as possible. Finally the team disappeared as quickly as they came.  
  
Everyone seemed quite confused by this event, but since a lot of stranger things have happened lately, no one really thought much of it. Suddenly, a boy with no name, at the moment, ran near the battle field holding a 2-D version of Bahamut. He made strange dragon like sounds and moved the dragon up in down in a way that made it seem like the dragon was flying. Well, it didn't really look too well because you could see the boy holding Bahamut, therefore taking away from any special effects that the game might have. He stopped Bahamut over the battle scene and continued to make dragon like sounds.  
  
Mary stared at the child stupidly as he waved the Bahamut picture in the air like an action figure. Saki snapped her fingers and got the boy's attention very quickly.  
  
"Hello little noseless lady person! Why do you have dirt on your face?" he asked as he looked carefully at Saki's soot covered skin.  
  
"Don't mind that right now," she replied trying to get the boy's mind off the subject. "I need to ask you one simple question. Make that two simple questions. What are you doing here, and what, pray tell, are you doing with Bahamut?"  
  
"Well," he started and scratched his head a bit, trying to think of the answer, "the mistress runnin' the story told me to take this action figure and go play around here. I didn't know there was gonna be lil' noseless people around here. But now I got more friends to play with!" He smiled gayly and sat down near the battlefield. He picked up poor Ramza and poke him in the stomach. Ramza yelped in fear and quickly tried to curl himself up into a ball. Because of his current position, that plan didn't work too well.  
  
"Um, kid?" asked Mary, trying not to die of laughter because of Ramza's terrible luck. "You do realize that we're in the middle of a fight here, sorta… but anyway, you also realize that no one summoned Bahamut. So, why are you here?"  
  
"Because the lady told me to stall time until that guy, person, thingy came."  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Musta- um… Musta..dio? I think, I dunno."  
  
"MUSTADIO!!!!" the girls screamed as large hearts formed in their eyes sighing dreamily. Ramza only looked away in disgust. This was turning out to be worse than hell by far. Although Mustadio was his trusted friend, he really hated how all the girls were obsessed with him. It seemed so unnatural to him, but after another sharp poke to the stomach, he really didn't think about anything more than pain. The unnamed boy poked poor (yea… right) Ramza in the stomach again (just because he dissed Mustadio : P)  
  
Soon Ravel and Brett got tired of watching the whole scene and pulled up another poker table. Normally this would be an acceptable act, but I really didn't want them to play now. So being the evil person that I am, I yelled at them.  
  
"GODDAMNIT PUT THE TABLE BACK!" I screamed as the rushed the table away and came back, trembling in fear. "Good, now march I say!" They did so and Ravel started whimpering again when he saw that damned dagger bobbing above his head once again. He pulled out a small cape and draped it over himself thinking that it would protect him from the dagger. Little did he know how wrong he was.  
  
Far off the sound of chocobo feet could be heard coming near the battle scene. Two chocobos were charging toward the battlefield with two lone riders on their backs. When the large birds and their riders got to the field, the riders jumped off the bird's backs. The two people just happened to be *gasp* MUSTADIO AND CLOUD! (The Great Thunder God Cid will appear in here too so don't worry) Cloud hurried the two chocobos away and looked over the group. Saki and Mary's eyes had heart shapes in them as they stared at Mustadio as if he was the only person there. This caught Cloud's attention and he did a large anime sweat drop. Mustadio just looked at the girls and flashed a big smile while scratching the back of his head.  
  
"Ramza, why is this battle taking so long? I heard you need Cloud and myself to help you win," stated Mustadio. Ramza sighed and glared at Mustadio from where he was.  
  
"I don't NEED your help! But since you're here, why don't you fight anyway?" asked Ramza as politely as he could without losing his temper.  
  
Everyone started walking in place again while Ramza just thought to himself how bad things were turning out. Damn it was gonna be one hell of a day… 


	4. What the Hell Do You Mean?

Chapter 4: What the Hell Do You Mean?  
  
Mustadio, Cloud, Ramza, and the rest of my FFT cast started walking in place again. This, of course, was very VERY boring because no one was really doing anything important at the current moment of time. Ramza was getting tired of the hot sun, and he began to wonder why it had been day for 26 hours. The chocobos were kinda… um… busy since the little, what seemed like to them 50-ft tall boy was plucking out one of the large bird's feather's continuously.  
  
Soon a piece of candy could be seen at the corner of the screen and this caught everyone's attention, especially those who were hungry and had not eaten for a good 26, going on 27, hours. The little boy stopped paying attention to the chocobos and looked over at the candy. As soon as he realized what it was, his eyes lit up like Christmas lights. A faint 'Here boy, come here boy!! Goooooodd boy!' could be heard from off screen. Suddenly the candy disappeared and the small child ran off the screen, therefore ending my plot-hole to get the little bugger off my set.  
  
Everyone was very hungry and very sweaty right about now, after all, who wouldn't be after walking in place fore hours on end. Mustadio was standing near Ramza, just firing off a few caps while Cloud was quietly sharpening his sword (and secretly holding his mini Aeris plushie). Saki and Mary were having simple girl talk, while Brett and Ravel were arm wrestling. Off stage, a faint cry could be heard, and soon stopped with a loud pang. It sorta went like this:  
  
"I'M AN AQUAR- PANG!" And then there was silence. No one knew who threw the frying pan, but they were all thankful. ::Insert Yang's wife's lil' cameo here::  
  
While everyone was planning his or her own thing, Ramza was plotting a way to get food. (Be glad I will stay away from all blonde jokes so that people don't come after me with pitchforks.) After about ten minutes of thinking, an idea suddenly hit him like a freight train. The chocobos! They could eat the chocobos! (Why he didn't think of this before, I cannot say. He's Ramza, I think his team is chipping away at his sanity.) An evil grin appeared on his face, and he rubbed his hands together in the same manner some really evil "I'm-planning-to-do-something-really-evil" person would. He sent this cold look toward the chocobos who were too busy trying to recollect their feathers. Saki and Mary noticed the evil look and gave him the classic, o.O;; and O.o;; face.  
  
"Avengers, Assemble!" Ramza yelled as he jumped up. Everyone, including the chocobos looked at him in an odd manner, and a light pink coated his cheeks out of sheer embarrassment. His eyes turned into weird computer animé style, such as ., as he looked at everyone who was staring at him. With a quick ¬_¬; he motioned for his team to form a huddle.  
  
"Everyone's hungry, right?" Ramza asked. They all nodded. "Chocobos are the same as chickens, except bigger, right?" Everyone thought for a bit, then nodded. "So, chocobos SHOULD taste like chicken, right?" They paused for a longer period of time, and eventually nodded. "So why don't we, get a load of this, EAT the chocobos?!" Everyone looked at him in slight disgust, but eventually looked at their options more carefully. It was either eat the cousins of big bird or starve. There really were no options.  
  
Mary slapped his back and gave him a big smile. "Good job, Leader! I knew there was a brain in that big blonde head of yours!" Ramza smiled at first, but after realizing it was an insult, slapped Mary upside the head.  
  
"You're blonde too, ya idiot! We're ALL blonde!" He yelled at her.  
  
"I'm not," stated Brett. "And neither is Delita."  
  
"1) You're a monk. 2) You're a natural blonde; that's hair dye you have in. Artificial intelligence bum. 3) Delita isn't here, now is here? Therefore, HE DOESN'T COUNT!" Ramza yelled in Brett's face. (You would be very cranky if you haven't eaten for more than a day. I know from personal experience. And the artificial Intelligence was a low shot, but too good to resist. No one take any offense or track me down in the middle of the night, please.)  
  
Saki ran off in the time of their bickering and came back with two really cheap looking bushes. "We can use these to sneak up to them!" she said happily. Mustadio loaded his gun and thought of other things besides food, like not getting his ass kicked by Ramza. He only feared Ramza for one reason: He was afraid to see how mad he would get as soon as Ramza found out that he was messing around with Alma. This is why they had been late, but Mustadio made Cloud and myself swear to secrecy =X.   
  
Ramza put away his sword and pulled out a garshal (spelling?) green and slowly walked over to the patch of chocobos that were still dazed after being molested by the crazy large child. He softly whistled to them, grabbing their attention within seconds.  
  
"C'mere you large, stupid, soon-going-to-be-only-food-in-my-stomach, large chocobos youuuuuuuu." Not too bright, is he? Notice he said large… twice. Well, Mary didn't really agree with his methods and decided to show him in the nicest way she could.  
  
Out of no where, a flaming boot flew across the screen and hit Ramza in the head, igniting his hair. It wasn't long until painful screams and the sight of one solider running all over the place caught everyone's attention. Some where horrified, some were speechless, and others thought the whole thing was damn funny.  
  
Mustadio sighed, and tripped Ramza so he fell into a puddle of water. "Since your way failed, let's try mine. Saki, try using your charm." She blinked and then instantly transformed into a very realistic looking version of Jennifer Lopez. Even though Mustadio didn't mind, he still had to sweat drop. "Um... Saki… that's… not quite what I had in mind." She looked confused. "Not your feminine charm. Your MOSTER charm. You know… that charm that you use to charm monsters?"  
  
After a few moments of silence she finally let out a small 'Ohhhhhhh…' and went back to looking like her normal self (much to the males demise). She cast a spell and then all the chocobos were looking dazed and dancing about wherever she told them to. They soon realized, that at the center of dancing chocobos was a small baby black chocobo. You can imagine how this effected the rest of the group. Mary, Saki, Cloud, Mustadio, and myself were all staring at the baby chocobo with small hearts in our eyes and a chorus of 'AWWWWWWWW's coming out of our mouths.  
  
"WE CAN'T KILL THEM!" Mary yelled.  
  
"And why the Hell NOT?!" Ramza countered because he was now back on his feet without his hair on fire, mind you. He only received death glares for his comment.  
  
Saki pointed her finger at the chocobo and commanded, "LOOK AT HIM!"  
  
"…So?"  
  
"He's so… so… SO CUTE!" And then everyone went into another chorus of 'awww's again when the small baby yawned.  
  
Ramza slapped his forehead. "Let me get this straight," he began, "you want us to NOT eat it just because IT'S SO CUTE?" Mustadio slapped him upside the head with a steak.  
  
"My God! If you were that hungry you could have just asked!" Ramza stared at him stupidly.  
  
"Why didn't you say something before!?" he demanded. Mustadio just shrugged.  
  
"You never asked…"  
  
(A/N: Woah, I haven't written anything for this in forever! Hope you like it.. sorta.. Gods, I'm bored ^^; ) 


End file.
